“Realizations”

Disclaimer: this is just a filler until I figure out until I figure out what I’m going to do with this blog.

When I’m alone at night it suddenly hits

A thought moving forward from the closet space of my brain

It’s so determined to make it’s way through the front it squeezes itself into any space it can fit

It feels less like a back slap and more like a gun shot

The thought moves so fast to the front lines that I can’t make it stop

I call it a “realization” so that I don’t have to admit that this is really fucked up

It’s a note that my brain took years ago and waited until now to bring it up

Whenever I’m at a time when I feel pretty good about where I stand

A “realization” comes like an unwanted friend with some really heavy luggage in hand

The “realization” reads out in big bold letters across my inner mind

THIS IS THE REASON WHY YOU ARE ALONE

THIS IS THE REASON WHY ON FRIDAY NIGHTS YOU WOULD RATHER STAY AT HOME

THIS IS THE REASON WHY YOU LET DEPRESSION GET THE UPPER HAND

AND THIS IS THE REASON WHY NO ONE WILL EVER UNDERSTAND

And because I can never seem to make the “realizations” fade away

I always cave in and let them stay

Now that unwanted friend has turned into a monster that will take more than a happy thought to keep it at bay

Now because it was my choice to give those “realizations” a voice I am left feeling hollow inside

Now it takes so much energy to not to cry

I am nothing more than an empty shell

My mind has become my own version of hell until morning

When the sun chases the “realizations” away and is replaced by a to do list

THIS IS ALL WE HAVE TO DO BEFORE SUN DOWN:

Because of that list I am able to forget, if only for a couple of hours, of what happens at night when I’m alone

And for those couple of hours, for those blissful couple of hours, my mind is finally my own

Connect with me:

@focused_genesis        focusedgenesis                ladysentalks.com

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